why are we always quarrelling? i'm honestly sick of everything; tired of pretending to enjoy myself and love him while telling myself to just bear with it. he says he's trying to be the best bf i ever had. but to tell the truth, he was the worst one without even trying. i told him we were incompatible, but he says he's willing to change. how can i make him understand that, no matter how he changes, we're just not meant to be. we are from two different worlds and it was a total mistake for us to be together in the first place. my feelings for him were already starting to fade even before the sms incident. in fact, i was rather glad to use that incident for a breakup.the guilt from him having to come down here to work, was the only reason why i didn't totally ignore him. i really regretted it. i wish i had stood firmly instead of succumbing to his cries and pleas. but what's wrong with wanting peace in my life? i hate myself for being so soft-hearted, and him for refusing to let me off. he says he loves me. if loving someone means not letting him/her be happy, i can jolly well say i love him too.
ever since we patched, i've been thinking more and more of N and Y. especially Y. as i flip through the pages that contain bittersweet memoriies of me and him, i feel sad yet happy. sad because we ended up this way, and happy because there are still memoriies to cheer me up. they never fail to make me smile whenever i'm sad. his bits and pieces have integrated into my life, resulting in practically every little thing reminding me of Y. i miss Y so much, even more whenever i'm unhappy. i wish i could turn back time, though i know its not possible anymore.
i wonder how to get over this. on one hand, i wish to just tell him the truth: that i really really didn't want to be with him at all. but on the other hand, guilt. sighx. i wish my tarots can show me the way.
on a lighter note, went shopping yesterday! got a lovely black sexy dress and a pair of white flats. lalala~ dad also got me my phone, but i gotta wait at least 2 weeks for it. it's actually a free gift from some prudential investment thingy which dad signed up just to get my phone for me. hahx. looking forward to genting trip 2 weeks later. all 8 of us are going. i hope it's gonna be fun. =]
2nd day of 'a tarot card a day'. i'm really interested and fascinated by this deck of 78 cards. i'm wishing i could just cram all the information about it into my head. but i guess i will need more experience to improve. wish me luck!
lastly, HAPPY BIRTHDAY ZHU~!
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